Go to Halloween.

The Many Advantages of Being Dead

Click here for Jordan's Ruminations on Halloween

There are certain advantages to being dead:

1. There is no need to wash the dishes.
2. Doctors don't tell you to eat less and exercise more.
3. Banks don't ask you to sign up for yet more credit cards.
4. Calories don't make you fat.
5. No one tries to take your place in line.
6. Cats don't expect you to feed them.
7. You don't have to report to any early morning meetings.
8. Cell phone companies don't try to get you to sign long-term contracts with hidden charges.
9. You can be as politically incorrect as you please.
10. Nobody sends you unsigned valentines.
11. Nobody expects you to write letters, reports, memos, termpapers, or exams.
12. Nothing itches.
13. Department stores don't direct "back to school" ads at you in June or Christmas ads in September.
14. Nobody asks to see your ticket, press pass, membership card, security clearance, hall pass, or photo ID.
15. You don't have to change anybody's diapers.
16. You don't mind waiting for tradesmen.
17. Other drivers don't cut you off, slow down in front of you, pass you on the wrong side, or try prevent you from changing lanes.
18. You don't have to hear rap music.
19. Nobody asks you for a log-in and password.
20. You don't lose chess games to your computer.
21. You don't get pimples any more.
22. Domestic animals don't climb in bed with you.
23. Professors don't tell you to attend office hours.
24. You don't have to give up your bus seat to old people.
25. Nobody cares about your being on time.
26. There is no homework.
27. There are no public broadcasting membership drives or political campaign ads.
28. Neighbors don't complain about your noisy parties.
29. Geeky idiots don't spam your Email account.
30. Nobody says you have to finish your vegetables before you can have dessert.
31. Your spouse doesn't have a fit every time you want to buy something.
32. Ironing your clothes is unnecessary.
33. It doesn't make any difference whether you have read Kant.
34. You don't have to fold shirts or sort socks.
35. It doesn't matter if the bus comes late.
36. Insurance agents leave you alone. So do missionaries, Amway ladies, Fuller Brush men, and kids selling magazines trying to pretend they are not selling magazines.
37. There is no need to reboot your computer.
38. Nobody tells you to cut down on your drinking.
39. You cease to be offended by foul smells.
40. You don't have to get bubble gum out of anybody's hair.
41. Nobody envies you because of the space you're in.
42. People don't expect you to lend them money.
43. You can quit worrying about what to do with old issues of National Geographic
44. It doesn't matter whether you prefer paper or plastic.
45. It is unnecessary to get up early to get to work on time.
46. Labor unions don't try to organize you.
47. You can quit worrying about dropping the collection plate.
48. People don't tell you to quit smoking.
49. Terrorists don't imagine blowing you will get them into paradise.
50. People don't come to the door to sell you magazines, ask for your vote, or give you copies of The Watchtower.
51. Losing your contact lenses is not a problem.
52. People don't tell you to slow down.
53. The teacher doesn't send you to the principal's office.
54. You don't need to worry about the weather.
55. Matchmakers don't try to force you into marriage (at least in most countries).
56. Lawyers see little profit in suing you.
57. You don't need to get the car fixed.
58. Kids don't expect Halloween candy from you.
59. No one cares whether you keep kosher.
60. You don't have to register for the draft, walk the dog, sort the laundry, or take the garbage out.
61. You don't care how much noise people make.
62. No one phones during dinner.
63. No time is spent commuting to work.
64. Nobody asks if you are old enough to drink, drive, or see rated-X movies.
65. Nobody says what a cute/ugly little kid you are.
66. You don't need to floss.
67. You don't have to sing the national anthem.
68. Crazed fanatics don't declare jihads against you.
69. You don't worry about falling asleep in class.
70. Teenagers don't complain that you don't understand them.
71. You are unperturbed by jars that won't open, programs that won't run, and kids who won't listen.
72. Nobody talks about Habermas, Bordieu, Foucault, Gramsci, or Derida.
73. There is no need to drive on crowded freeways.
74. Old ladies do not tell you to carry a sweater "just in case it gets cold at night."
75. People aren't offended if you can't remember their names.
76. People don't knock at the door when you are on the toilet.
77. Your back doesn't hurt.
78. Parents don't tell you to eat yucky stuff to grow big and strong.
79. You can ignore operating system upgrades.
80. Hong Kong touts eventually quite trying to sell you fake Rolexes.
81. People don't speak to you in baby talk.
82. Librarians don't reprimand you for making too much noise.
83. Nobody throws baby food at you.
84. Nobody cares if you're ugly.
85. Pushy strangers don't butt in front of you in line.
86. Real estate salesmen don't try to sell you useless land in the desert.
87. Rush hour doesn't slow you down.
88. You don't have to remember the code for the copy machine.
89. You no longer need to get a divorce.
90. You don't get appointed to committees.
91. You don't care if the toilet paper has run out.
92. Computers don't address you by your first name.
93. You con't have to calculate how much income tax you owe.
94. Nobody tells you not to wear stripes and plaids together
95. Gushy old ladies don't expect you to kiss them.
96. There are no mammograms, pap smears, or prostate exams.
97. Nobody tells you to lay off the gin.
98. Sending Christmas cards is unnecessary and would only alarm people.
99. Previous sexual partners don't try to attach your wages.
100. You don't have to give up anything for Lent.
101. Sunburn doesn't lead to skin cancer.
102. People stop asking your opinion about things they have already made up their minds about.
103. Telephone companies don't try to confuse you about long-distance rates.
104. You don't have to attend training sessions about ethnic sensitivity, sexual harassment, lab safety, intellectual integrity, retirement options, alternative health plans, or conflict of interest regulations.
105. Nobody expects you to spend Christmas with in-laws.
106. The fork can go on either side of the plate.
107. It's hard for repairmen to cheat you.
108. The government doesn't draft you, tax you, or put you on juries, and in most countries it takes care of casting your vote for you.
109. The post office doesn't deliver bills or junk mail.
110. There are no more multiple-choice tests.
111. Nobody cares if your driver's license has expired.
112. You don't snore in church or cough in concerts.
113. Words can be spelled any way you want.
114. Nobody takes you to karaoke bars.
115. You are immune to computer viruses.
116. You don't have to juggle conflicting appointments.
117. You're done with iceberg lettuce once and for all.
118. You don't have to fill out forms.
119. If you stand up you can scare the b'Jesus out of practically anybody.
120. You lose your fear of heights.
121. You don't have to rake leaves, shovel snow, or mow the lawn.
122. You don't have to clean up spilled stuff.
123. Cholesterol is irrelevant.
124. Cheap performers don't pull you onto the stage to dance with them, and nobody tries to get you to sing karaoke.
125. Nobody worries about whether your teeth are your own.
126. You don't have to save for retirement.
127. You have really high sales resistance
128. Your spouse doesn't insist that you go on a diet.
129. You don't have to get permission for anything from your mother, your supervisor, your spouse, or your Primary Care Physician.
130. People give up on trying to get you to declare a major.
131. You don't have to worry about where to put things.
132. You don't have to herd cattle, slop pigs, break horses, or sex chicks.
133. You don't have diarrhea or constipation.
134. Gold-diggers lose interest in marrying you.
135. German philosophers won't be on any exams.
136. It doesn't matter if you split infinitives.
137. People don't try to bullyrag you into saying you agree with them.
138. Bran and wheat germ are irrelevant.
139. Freudian theory doesn't apply.
140. You don't need different shoes for different activities.
141. You never have to use anybody's voice mail.
142. They don't send you to prison no matter what you do.
143. There are no early morning fire drills.
144. People stop calling you a senile old fart.
145. The office of Human Resources doesn't try to keep "statistics" about your age, gender, ethnicity, marital status, or sexual orientation.
146. Elderly women don't keep telling you not to drive so fast
147. Crying children don't waken you in the night.
148. Tradesmen don't come early in the morning in order to wake you up prematurely.
149. You don't get birthday cards teasing you about your age.
150. Nobody tells you to make a speech.
151. Prostitutes don't proposition you.
152. Nobody tells you to shut up.
153. It's okay if the plumbing doesn't work.
154. Old people don't say, "Oh, how you've grown!"
155. You don't have to worry about dying.

A really big DIS-advantage of being dead is the prevalence of incredibly tacky plastic flowers.

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All photos by DKJ